Saving Television: The New Catholic Channel

Since my school newspapwer was unfortunately delayed a day, I felt like putting up my article from the next issue. The article that may get me stoned by somebody. Note that this is the unedited version, so there's a joke early on that doesn't appear in the finished article itself. Also, probably some grammatical errors, so please ignore them.

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After years of attending a Catholic College, I believe I have learned a few things about the faith. For one, it defines “dry campus” as having alcohol in only three or four different places. Also, apparently the Church was not being that bad when they placed Galileo under house arrest, they were just doing it for his own good. And by “his own good”, I mean so they did not stone him the moment he left said house.

One of the essential things I have learned is that Catholic television is possibly the most boring television in the world. I have watched golf games on TV that are twenty times more exciting and have spectators that don’t look, well, dead. Some of the people on those religious shows look like they are the first wave of a zombie apocalypse. The only thing more terrifying than a zombie apocalypse is one where all the undead are droning on about Catholic Dogma.

Honestly, if I wanted to hear Father Gregori or Sister Mary Clarence bore me to death, I’d just go ahead and attend mass. At least there I can get wine, in the form of transubstantiated blood. Communion, the only place where eating flesh and drinking blood doesn’t make you a cannibal or a vampire.

I have made it my duty to improve this intolerable situation. In conjunction with the World Institute of Catholic Communications Associated, or W.I.C.C.A., I am proposing a plan for The New Catholic Channel, which will revolutionize religious television. These shows will provide real entertainment and useful knowledge for today’s Catholic, rather than acting as an insomnia cure.

What follows are some of my proposals for the great new shows on The New Catholic Channel.

Mornings with Mary Magdalene
A new morning talk show with the second most famous Mary in the Bible, the show will feature many of today’s most famous Catholics as guests. These people are famous enough they probably haven’t attended Mass in 20 years, but they’re glad to exploit their religious background if it means they can make even more money. On the first episode, director and actor Kevin Smith appears to talk about the irony of being persecuted by people of your own faith for supposedly being a heathen.

Unfortunately, the show has been cancelled after taping only one episode. Apparently, every guest and audience member asked Mary the same exact question. “So, is it true what they say about you and Jesus?”

Mealtime Salvation
Another daytime television show, Mealtime Salvation, features cooking tips both for those looking to make gourmet meals those cooking on a budget. For example, the first episode shows poor college students the 12 ways to use leftover host from communion to make a hearty meal. Tip Number #4 is to combine host with Cheez Whiz for a hearty snack. Just make sure the host is unsubstantiated and you don’t bring the cheese to mass.

There is some worry that Mealtime Salvation may lose some viewership during Lent. A show can’t air infinite variations on preparing fish without losing some people’s interest.

Dogma Digest
A how-to show, Dogma Digest shows Catholics ways to use loopholes in Church law for fun and profit. On the first episode, how to encourage your priest to re-instate plenary indulgences and get him to split the proceeds from people buying their way into heaven. Also, a short segment on how travel dispensations can save you from ever attending Mass again.

N.O.M.A.
In the tradition of science shows like NOVA comes N.O.M.A. It’s actually pretty much the same show, covering about the same scientific topics. However, N.O.M.A. also features constant reminders that the Catholic Church doesn’t contradict science and repeated attempts to justify past oppression of scientific thought.

Catholic Justice League
An after school cartoon show, Catholic Justice League follows the exploits of the world’s greatest religious superheroes. Following direct orders from Heaven, because they claim they can talk to Jesus, the Catholic Justice League faces the threats of heathenism, atheism, and worst of all, Catholics not fulfilling their moral obligations.

Thrill to the exploits of characters like the Amazonian Nun and her sidekick Altar Boy. Watch as they race onward in their supervehicle Catholic-1, running on incense and complete with holy water cup holders. Coming this winter, your children will be brainwashed before they can even begin to think for themselves.

Late Night with the Confessional
Every network needs its exciting and slightly risqué late night shows, and we definitely have ours. Late Night with the Confessional lets viewers call-in and confess their most salacious and naughty sins live on the air. Adultery, sex, binge drinking, all will be revealed in intimate detail. Listen as callers say their Hail Mary very, very slowly.

Finally, through the night we’ll air infomercials and advertisements featuring products and services targeted towards our audience. Currently we’re still in negotiation with a company wanting to advertise new tapes called Catholic Girls Gone Wild. Other than that, we have already received our first completed commercial. What follows is the transcript:

“Come on down to Father Levesque’s Vatican Supply Warehouse, where we’re having some of our greatest deals of the year! For a limited time only, we’re throwing in a free hat with every used Popemobile! Come on down and see prices so low, even the Devil has to look down to see them. Due too a mistake in blessing, we’re drowning in holy water, so it’s all 20% off. Prices this low have to be sinful, so come on down before it’s too late!”

All exciting stuff and all coming soon to a television near you. The New Catholic Network is going to revolutionize the collision of TV and religion, if we actually manage to get on the air. However, you have to admit that we’re more interesting than most of the things they put on television, and probably still less offensive.

Note: Some may say I’ll be excommunicated for this article. Well, as my good friend Antigone says, you can’t be excommunicated if you weren’t communicated in the first place. I’m also not expecting the Spanish Inquisition any time soon.

However, I’d like to assure everyone that I do not hate the Catholic Church. Neither do I hate the aforementioned cannibals and vampires. Some of my best friends are Catholics and vampires. I just believe that any institution that has only had two revisions in 2000 years is in need of some lampooning.

Note Note: I’m not making a joke when I say the real Catholic channel is possibly the most boring thing in existence. The paint-drying network probably beats it in ratings.