Inciting Chaos is FUNdamental

Image looted from http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/0/0c/Chumbunt.gif

Just an update from the article I posted before, that I believed would get me crucified:

It seems I have managed to anger the president of my college with said article. Yeah, the president. I'd find it an even greater achievement if our college wasn't so small, but still, it's an achievement. Of course, the professors seem to love it, along with most of the student body. And by most of the student body, I mean my friends and like minded malcontents.

However, the resulting chaos is putting somewhat of a pinch on my creative abilities, both because of time dealing with the problem and potential censorship because of it. I'll be composing a response to the controversy that I will post here and hopefully have printed. However, there probably won't be any updates until that and my other articles for the next issue of the paper are finished. After that, though, the semester is practically over. Other than exams in nearly every class. Eh, life would be boring if it wasn't chaotic and maddening.

The End, or Not.....

Just a general note of achievement, this is my last blog post required for my blogging class. It's a rather beautiful feeling, since I really don't like required writing. Kind of like assigned reading, I might enjoy it otherwise, but having it assigned just makes me not want to do it. Ever. Guess its a bit of a rebellious streak somewhere in the blood. Anyway, I may or may not continue this blog, since I'm not sure if anyone reads this other than those obligated to follow them for the class. We shall see, I guess.

Finally, go buy Ratatouille on DVD and the new Hives album The Black and White Album right now. Don't finish this sentence even. Just go.

Why are you still here? I said go.



You just don't listen do you?



Fine, well then, if you're not leaving, I'm going. Good Night (Morning?), and Good Luck.

Bond, James Bond

Last year, Casino Royale revitalized the floundering James Bond franchise. It managed this difficult feat through style and grace, re-setting the story with a Bond just starting his career as a 007. The movie even used the first Ian Fleming novel as its basis, truly bringing everything back to its roots.

Because of this rejuvenation, all of the James Bond movies are finally being released individually on DVD. At first, they were only available in boxes of four movies at a time, each set spread out through the entire series’ history. This proved annoying, as it was impossible to buy Bond movies from a certain era, and often packaged outright bad films alongside the classics.

Now that these movies are available in a more convenient form, it is easy to examine the true origins of the Bond franchise. Two of the first 007 movies, Dr. No and Goldfinger, both show how the original Bond formula was set while still proving to be some of the best secret agent movies ever.

Dr. No is rather low-key for much of the first half of the movie. The Bond staples, like the famous music and the gun barrel scene at the beginning, are all here, along with the beautiful woman that are both friend and foe. However, much of the movie is less action and more espionage, as Bond explores the Jamaican cost trying to discover who might be interfering with American rocket launches.

Once 007 reaches the mysterious Crab Key, the action starts becoming familiar. Fantastic machines, like a flame throwing “dragon” vehicle, and bizarre enemies await. Dr. No himself possesses the bizarre characteristic of having metal claws for hands. Of course, Bond must stop the villain, escape the island lair, and get the girl, all with little blood and no nudity. It isn’t the best movie in the series, but it is a pretty effective beginning.

While Dr. No may be the first movie chronologically, Goldfinger is the first movie everyone thinks of. While Dr. No introduced some of the Bond staples, Goldfinger contains them all. 007 faces off against three different beautiful women, a massive Korean henchman who throws a deadly hat, and Goldfinger himself, a jovial but ruthless gold smuggler. Bond receives his mission from M, flirts with Moneypenny, and visits Q and his gadgets. He even gets the iconic Aston Martin.

The movie itself is almost a mess, spanning the globe and including car chases, a golf game, nighttime raids, gangsters, and even an ejector seat. The pure insanity of it all is really the movie’s charm, as it becomes something purely entertaining. It also contains both the girl covered in gold and one of the greatest exchanges in movies history. “Do you expect me to talk?” “No, I expect you to die!”

As an additional note, both of these movies feature Sean Connery as James Bond. While there is still debate over who is the greatest actor to play James Bond, Sean Connery is still the man who defined the role. Even today, his James Bond proves a suave yet deadly figure, though occasional moments of misogynism prove troublesome.

Being that these movies are over 40 years old, giving them a star rating is somewhat pointless. Instead, these movies are highly recommended for anybody who enjoys entertaining adventure or is interested in a piece of film history.

Saving Television: The New Catholic Channel

Since my school newspapwer was unfortunately delayed a day, I felt like putting up my article from the next issue. The article that may get me stoned by somebody. Note that this is the unedited version, so there's a joke early on that doesn't appear in the finished article itself. Also, probably some grammatical errors, so please ignore them.

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After years of attending a Catholic College, I believe I have learned a few things about the faith. For one, it defines “dry campus” as having alcohol in only three or four different places. Also, apparently the Church was not being that bad when they placed Galileo under house arrest, they were just doing it for his own good. And by “his own good”, I mean so they did not stone him the moment he left said house.

One of the essential things I have learned is that Catholic television is possibly the most boring television in the world. I have watched golf games on TV that are twenty times more exciting and have spectators that don’t look, well, dead. Some of the people on those religious shows look like they are the first wave of a zombie apocalypse. The only thing more terrifying than a zombie apocalypse is one where all the undead are droning on about Catholic Dogma.

Honestly, if I wanted to hear Father Gregori or Sister Mary Clarence bore me to death, I’d just go ahead and attend mass. At least there I can get wine, in the form of transubstantiated blood. Communion, the only place where eating flesh and drinking blood doesn’t make you a cannibal or a vampire.

I have made it my duty to improve this intolerable situation. In conjunction with the World Institute of Catholic Communications Associated, or W.I.C.C.A., I am proposing a plan for The New Catholic Channel, which will revolutionize religious television. These shows will provide real entertainment and useful knowledge for today’s Catholic, rather than acting as an insomnia cure.

What follows are some of my proposals for the great new shows on The New Catholic Channel.

Mornings with Mary Magdalene
A new morning talk show with the second most famous Mary in the Bible, the show will feature many of today’s most famous Catholics as guests. These people are famous enough they probably haven’t attended Mass in 20 years, but they’re glad to exploit their religious background if it means they can make even more money. On the first episode, director and actor Kevin Smith appears to talk about the irony of being persecuted by people of your own faith for supposedly being a heathen.

Unfortunately, the show has been cancelled after taping only one episode. Apparently, every guest and audience member asked Mary the same exact question. “So, is it true what they say about you and Jesus?”

Mealtime Salvation
Another daytime television show, Mealtime Salvation, features cooking tips both for those looking to make gourmet meals those cooking on a budget. For example, the first episode shows poor college students the 12 ways to use leftover host from communion to make a hearty meal. Tip Number #4 is to combine host with Cheez Whiz for a hearty snack. Just make sure the host is unsubstantiated and you don’t bring the cheese to mass.

There is some worry that Mealtime Salvation may lose some viewership during Lent. A show can’t air infinite variations on preparing fish without losing some people’s interest.

Dogma Digest
A how-to show, Dogma Digest shows Catholics ways to use loopholes in Church law for fun and profit. On the first episode, how to encourage your priest to re-instate plenary indulgences and get him to split the proceeds from people buying their way into heaven. Also, a short segment on how travel dispensations can save you from ever attending Mass again.

N.O.M.A.
In the tradition of science shows like NOVA comes N.O.M.A. It’s actually pretty much the same show, covering about the same scientific topics. However, N.O.M.A. also features constant reminders that the Catholic Church doesn’t contradict science and repeated attempts to justify past oppression of scientific thought.

Catholic Justice League
An after school cartoon show, Catholic Justice League follows the exploits of the world’s greatest religious superheroes. Following direct orders from Heaven, because they claim they can talk to Jesus, the Catholic Justice League faces the threats of heathenism, atheism, and worst of all, Catholics not fulfilling their moral obligations.

Thrill to the exploits of characters like the Amazonian Nun and her sidekick Altar Boy. Watch as they race onward in their supervehicle Catholic-1, running on incense and complete with holy water cup holders. Coming this winter, your children will be brainwashed before they can even begin to think for themselves.

Late Night with the Confessional
Every network needs its exciting and slightly risqué late night shows, and we definitely have ours. Late Night with the Confessional lets viewers call-in and confess their most salacious and naughty sins live on the air. Adultery, sex, binge drinking, all will be revealed in intimate detail. Listen as callers say their Hail Mary very, very slowly.

Finally, through the night we’ll air infomercials and advertisements featuring products and services targeted towards our audience. Currently we’re still in negotiation with a company wanting to advertise new tapes called Catholic Girls Gone Wild. Other than that, we have already received our first completed commercial. What follows is the transcript:

“Come on down to Father Levesque’s Vatican Supply Warehouse, where we’re having some of our greatest deals of the year! For a limited time only, we’re throwing in a free hat with every used Popemobile! Come on down and see prices so low, even the Devil has to look down to see them. Due too a mistake in blessing, we’re drowning in holy water, so it’s all 20% off. Prices this low have to be sinful, so come on down before it’s too late!”

All exciting stuff and all coming soon to a television near you. The New Catholic Network is going to revolutionize the collision of TV and religion, if we actually manage to get on the air. However, you have to admit that we’re more interesting than most of the things they put on television, and probably still less offensive.

Note: Some may say I’ll be excommunicated for this article. Well, as my good friend Antigone says, you can’t be excommunicated if you weren’t communicated in the first place. I’m also not expecting the Spanish Inquisition any time soon.

However, I’d like to assure everyone that I do not hate the Catholic Church. Neither do I hate the aforementioned cannibals and vampires. Some of my best friends are Catholics and vampires. I just believe that any institution that has only had two revisions in 2000 years is in need of some lampooning.

Note Note: I’m not making a joke when I say the real Catholic channel is possibly the most boring thing in existence. The paint-drying network probably beats it in ratings.

An Explicit History of Music

This article will appear in the next issue of my college newspaper. We've had some people complaining about articles lately, for mostly stupid reasons, so I felt it fitting to focus on a bit of censorship for my music column.

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This issue, we have a bit of a musical history lesson. Over a decade ago, the Parental Advisory label was born. This label has adorned music from so many genres, probably only polka and folk dances have been untouched.

Before the days of the label, the music world was a lawless place, lots of cuss words, violent imagery, and sex. You could not step into a record store without being bombarded by albums encouraging people to rape, pillage, and burn. At least, that is what politicians, moral and religious groups wanted the public to believe.

These groups began to apply pressure to the music industry in any way possible. They rallied behind charges against the heavy metal band Judas Priest when two fans tried to kill themselves while listening to an album. Infamously, they claimed subliminal, backwards messages in the lyrics encouraged suicide. The message they claimed to have heard? “Do it.” As Rob Halford, Judas Priest’s lead singer later commented, “Do what?”

Another prime example of this moral panic actually resulted in legal issues. Hip-hop group 2 Live Crew released their new album, As Nasty as They Wanna Be, filled with their usual sexually explicit lyrics. The first single was the song “Me So Horny,” and the album only degenerated from there.

Obviously not music for kids, the album created such a panic among the moral majority that some police departments marked it as obscene. It became a crime to carry the album in certain communities, and was sold under-the-counter by the few record stores that would dare stock it.

Such chaos only continued to build. The final straw was when Tipper Gore and several other Washington wives heard their children listening to filthy lyrics, especially those of Prince. This group of wives formed the PMRC, Parents Music Resource Center, with the goal of pressuring the RIAA, and thus the music industry, to self-police and self-censor its artists. When they’re actions resulted in Congressional hearings, the RIAA quickly capitulated, even while recording artists such as John Denver and Frank Zappa vehemently opposed potential censorship.

The result was the labeling of offense albums with the Parental Advisory logo. One of the first albums labeled as such was Frank Zappa’s Jazz from Hell. This was somewhat bizarre, as the album was instrumental and contained no lyrics.

The warning label has had some impact, but probably not what was expected. Wal-Mart, along with other stores, refused to stock any albums with the Parental Advisory, demanding censored versions of supposedly offensive albums. The symbol itself has become a staple of pop culture, used more for its rebel credibility rather than warning any parents. Not satisfied, moral groups continue to attack the music industry, recently focusing on the hip-hop and rap, whose albums usually feature the warning label anyway.

The more things change, the more things stay the same.

Guilty Pleasures

PicJacked from Last.fm

In a world filled to the brim with both pretentious critics and psychotic fans, almost every opinion under the sun is at least somewhat valid when discussing pop culture. However, sometimes there are albums or movies or books that are so terrible, even the most dedicated fans or the least critical tastes still find them irredeemable. This is the territory where the guilty pleasure lives. A guilty pleasure is not liking a Britney Spears song when you only listen to metal. No, a guilty pleasure has to be something so terrible, you have to acknowledge its probably awfulness but still enjoy it for some reason.

What follows are two of my favorite guilty pleasure songs, and a guilty pleasure movie. Everyone has there own, so this is just a jumping off point as always. Be afraid, be very afraid.

1. Artist: Moby
Album: Animal Rights
Song: "That's When I Reach For My Revolver"

Really, this should sum everything up right here: It's an alternative rock song, a cover even, about the harshness of life, sung and played by a bald techno artist best known for being a wimpy vegan and selling ripped-off gospel songs for commercials.

In more detail, Animal Rights was Moby's attempt to try a new direction, the aforementioned alternative-rock. It was at best boring and pedestrian, and at worst completely laughable. So why do I like this song? Even though it was trashed for being a poor cover of a great song, I've never heard the original song. As such, the cover is actually pretty interesting, sounding like a milder version of one of the recent Nine Inch Nails tracks. Nothing amazing, but still kinda fun.

2. Artist: Insane Clown Posse
Album: Bizaar
Song: "Tilt-a-Whirl"

I should be shot for this one. Insane Clown Posse are in the running for possibly the worst popular musical group ever. They're a pair of white "rappers" from Detroit that dress up like clowns and record songs about killing people, carnivals, sex, and illicit substances, usually in some combination together. The rapping itself is awful, usually more like sing-song rhymes rather than actual performance. Pretty much their entire career is built on ridiculous live shows and a sick sense of humor.

Which is probably why I find "Tilt-a-Whirl" entertaining. Unlike many of their songs, it's not extremely vile or misogynistic. It's still about killing people, just in a very silly way. There's a demonic Tilt-a-Whirl, and it violently kills anyone who rides it, and ICP play the two ride operators making sure the bad people in line make it on the ride first. Really, really stupid, but somehow it's catchy and entertaining, in a train wreck sort of way.

3. Movie: Hudson Hawk

Speaking of train wrecks, here's one of the great examples in cinema. There was a time when Bruce Willis was not one of the great action heroes, a man so tough an entire family of German mercenaries couldn't take him down. No, at one time Bruce Willis was mainly a comedic actor. That's part of the reason he's such a successful actor; he has far more range than most action stars.

However, this experience in comedy and action made him believe he could create a great movie that could combine both elements equally. The movie was Hudson Hawk, and it failed to create anything great. It's the story of the world's greatest cat burglar, Hudson Hawk, who sings, loudly at that, while pulling of intricate heists. He's recruited by the villains to steal artifacts of Da Vinci, which contain a crystal that will...

It's not even worth completing, really. The plot is as bad as the jokes, which are as pathetic as the action sequences. Even Richard Grant can't save the movie. Even worse, some of the violence gets pretty gruesome, making the whole affair seem more mean spirited than necessary. So why do I like it? Because it's so awful, I can't help but be fascinated by the disaster in motion. It's like a guide on how not to make a movie, and thus is both a valuable tool and a good laugh at it's expense.