1, 2, 1-2-3-4

First entries are like breaking up, they're hard to do, painful, and quite possibly humiliating and embarrassing to all involved. They're supposed to say something about the writer, but yet not be cliched. Which means you're supposed to do the impossible. What are the options? Basic about me? Boring. Answer a massive list of questions? Too MySpace. Make a list of my favorite 100 things? Most readers will probably get to #23, cute puppies and dressing them up, and either thoroughly tune-out or become a little disturbed.

Which means first entries should be a non-entity, something ignored, treated as if they never existed. Start the blog sixty entries in, even. Refer to content that never existed. That way, not only do you avoid the work of developing a blog, but you also gain instant authority on topics. If anyone asks where the missing posts are, simply act like they're simply too stupid to understand your blog and dismiss their opinions.

Upon reviewing this, it seems I have violated my own advice. I have written a first entry. Welcome to the personal Hell of the creators of the internet: yet another in an endless stream of directionless blogs. Beware all ye who enter here. And bring plenty of tea.